What to Say (and Not Say) to a Loved One with Cancer

When someone you care about is facing cancer, it’s natural to want to say the right thing. But many people feel unsure or even nervous about what to say, and what not to say. You don’t want to say something that might feel dismissive, overwhelming, or unhelpful, but you also don’t want to stay silent.

The truth is, your words don’t have to be perfect. What matters most is showing up with kindness, patience, and the willingness to listen. That said, there are some phrases that tend to be more helpful, and others that are best avoided.

Helpful Things to Say

These phrases can help you offer comfort and connection without putting pressure on your loved one:

“I’m here for you.”

A simple, powerful phrase. It communicates presence without needing to fix anything.

“I don’t know what to say, but I care.”

It’s okay to admit that you’re not sure what to say. This honesty is often comforting.

“Would you like to talk about it?”

This gives the person the option to open up, or not. It respects their boundaries.

“I’m thinking about you and sending love.”

A warm, low-pressure way to check in and show support, especially over text or cards.

“Can I help with [specific task]?”

Instead of “Let me know if you need anything,” try offering something concrete like:

• “Can I bring dinner this week?”

• “Can I drive you to your next appointment?”

• “Can I watch the kids on Thursday?”

These kinds of offers are easier for someone to say yes to.

Things to Avoid Saying

Even well-meaning phrases can sometimes cause unintended hurt or stress. Here are a few to steer clear of, and why:

“Everything happens for a reason.”

This may feel dismissive of the pain your loved one is experiencing. Not everyone finds comfort in this kind of thinking, especially during a hard moment.

“At least it’s not [another kind of cancer]” or “It could be worse.”

Comparisons rarely help. Every person’s experience is valid and difficult in its own way.

“You’ve got this” or “Just stay positive.”

While meant to be encouraging, these phrases can feel like pressure to act okay when they’re not. It’s okay if they’re scared or exhausted, they don’t need to perform positivity.

“My friend had that same cancer and they’re fine now.”

Even if the outcome was good, every case is different. This kind of statement can accidentally shift the focus away from the person you're trying to support.

 What Matters Most

When someone is walking through cancer, what they often need most is to feel seen, heard, and loved. You don’t need to have the right words, you just need to be there.

Reach out. Listen more than you talk. Offer presence over platitudes. The effort you make to support your loved one, even awkwardly, is more meaningful than perfect phrasing.

At Hope Abounds, we’ve seen how deep and lasting the power of encouragement can be. Your words may not heal, but they can comfort. And that matters.